We're Broken But Still Breathing
by stylish-kid-in-the-riot
Summary: Becky knew that tying Sam to her bed was a bad idea. She just never understood how bad until his big brother broke down the door and caught her undoing Sam's shirt...


**A/N 1 -** I wrote this after seeing the prompt below on the "spn_littlebro" Live Journal page at their Hurt Bunnies Theme by phx69

**A/N 2 -** I had been thinking about writing a fic with this theme for a while now, so when I saw this prompt I just had to write it!

**A/N 3 -** There are hints towards Sam/Dean, but it's never actually mentioned.. Also, please note that this fic contains scenes of non-con so if neither of these are you're thing then you have been duly advised...

**Prompt:** _Becky knew that tying Sam to her bed was a bad idea. She just never understood how bad until his big brother broke down the door and caught her undoing Sam's shirt..._

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><p>As he slowly climbed back to consciousness everything felt hazy, his mind was foggy with different memories floating around that should alarm him but they float away just he tries to grab onto them, and it feels as though he's floating on a cloud somewhere. Sam could now faintly hear the sounds of someone moving moving around the room. He tries to shake his head to clear the haze <em>where am I?<em>, but it comes out as a slight movement of his head.

"Oh there's my big man, I was starting to think you'd never wake up sweetie!" The overly cheerful but clearly guarded womans voice moves closer as she speaks.

"Wwwhhaaa..." Sam weakly mutters as he opens his eyes and thinks _why does my head hurt?_, he tries to move his hands but finds that they are stuck in place above his head, and his legs wont move either. _Becky... potions, married..._ runs through his mind and it all becomes clear, the memories hitting him like a brick, where he is and why his arms and legs won't move.

He struggles against his bonds as Becky moves to the side of the bed, sitting down and resting a hand on his chest. "Calm down... I... it... I'm getting some more of the potion and everything will be fine again"

"What? Are you insane? In fact, don't even answer that" Sam says rolling his eye at the last statement. "Becky, you know what you can't do this, let me go. This isn't right." He tugs at the cuffs holding wrists to the bedposts, the sound seems familiar but his head is still a little foggy and he can't put his finger on why the sound makes his stomach turn with dread.

A look of doubt crosses her face, but she shakes it away to be replaced with certainty. "No, it's fine. It'll be fine. Once I get the potion it'll be fine. I might not even need it, the potion only brings your feelings to the surface."

_She's more insane than we ever thought_. He's thinking on his feet as he breathes deeply, trying to bury the growing sense of unease as tries to reason with her again, "How can we test that theory if you have me tied up?".

She reaches up to his hand, and looks as though she's going to unlock the cuff, then she turns her head to look at Sams face and stands up. There are tears in here eyes as asks hopefully "You really mean that? You'd want to to give it a try?". Sam can only nod in response. She smiles and says "Okay, well I'm gonna see if I can get some of that potion just in case. I don't wanna lose what we have here".

"No... that's not..." Sam says as he begins to panic. Images have started flashing through his head, and if they are true... if he's not just hallucinating, then he doesn't think he can be tied to this bed for a minute longer. Becky starts walking towards him. He closes his eyes as he tries to calm himself. "Becky I..." Sam is cut off as a piece of cloth is shoved into his mouth. As he opens his eyes he tries to speak but the only sound that is made is a muffled "mmnnnppphhh, pphhhvvvnnnn". He sees another piece of cloth being produced that Becky ties over his moth and around the back of his head. He violently shakes his head as the memories assault him once more.

Becky smiles as she steps back and tells Sam "Okay sweetheart. You sit tight and I'll be right back. And then everything will be great". She turns around and walks out of the bedroom, closing the door behind her, and then Sam hears the lock clicking into place.

He forces himself to be calm, he can only breathe through his nose now after all and that's not the best time for anyone to hyperventilate. Hearing Becky move around the apartment just outside the bedroom door, Sam focuses on those sounds, and not the sounds in his head, the ones of metal scraping on metal and of the screams and taunts. He hears Beckys voice and guesses that she must be on the phone, she sounds agitated although he can't make out the words that she's saying. He can't decipher them over the growing volume of his own screams and Lucifers laugh and quiet false sympathetic assurances of _You'll get used to me eventually. You'll adapt and change to accommodate it_. Beckys voice comes back into focus as he hears something being slammed down and her footsteps thud she was walks. He's all too soon drawn back into the memories as he feels himself falling under.

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><p><em>The floral wallpaper fades away and gives way to an off grey colour that's neither beige nor blue. He's tied to a bed but his mouth isn't gagged here, and he's also naked. The bed is bare, it doesn't even have a mattress and the wire of the bed is digging into his already lacerated back. Lucifer is standing at the bottom of the bed staring at him with interest, but somehow he manages to look disinterested at the same time.<em>

_"N-n... nnooo" Sam pleads, but he knows that it's useless. He's been faced with this choice too many times now._

_Lucifer roles his eyes as he sighs and says "Come on Sam, you know the rules. I do you once with the face of your choice ... or I do it with my face and then all three faces." Lucifer laughs slightly and then says "Not that I'm denying it ... I could do it both ways. I like my way so much better, but I am a man of my word, and I haven't lied to you so far have I Sam?" He meets Sams eyes, forces the eye contact between the glazed over eyes that are like a scared dying animal and his overly confident self assured eyes. "So what's it to be?"_

_Sam swallows and breaks the eye contact, eyes cast downward as he looks over his naked and bound frame. "D-d-dean. B-b-bbbbeee Dean."_

_The words haven't left his mouth and already Lucifer has morphed into Dean. He's kneeling down at the side of the bed, biting Sams hip in a way that's not quite painful, but Sam tries to edge away all the same. Before he knows it, Lucifer-as-Dean is on top of him, straddling him and he's running his hand up and down him, he starts stimulating Sam in ways that only Dean could possibly know about. Sam blinks and now he's lying on his front, the squares of the wires on the bed frame digging into him, his erection jammed between one the little squares. He screams in pain as it's jammed there, and bobbed up and down and Lucifer-as-Dean unceremoniously thrusts himself into Sam, filling and stretching him well beyond what he thought he would ever be able to take. He hears Dean grunting, a sound that is all too familiar to Sam, a sound that he used to know so well and find comfort in. It's being perverted down here, changed into something he dreads to hear. Sam screams and pulls at the restraints binding him to the bed. He feels the skin break..._

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><p>The bedroom shifts back into focus for Sam as he feels the pain in his wrists. He tilts his head and sees the skin red, bloody and raw <em>fuck <em>he thinks. He wonders what he was doing here while he was trapped in the memory, he doesn't remember his wrists being like that before. He's panting, or least he's trying to through the gag,his heart is racing and his shirt is soaked through with sweat. He wonders if what he just experienced was a nightmare brought on by being trapped to this bed, but he knows better than that. _Dean will find me_ he tries to reassure himself.

The door clicks and his attention is drawn to it as it swings open to reveal Becky. "Hey Sam. I couldn't get the potion so we might just have to try it your way" She says cheerfully as she enters the room. Taking in his appearance she mistakenly reads what others would see as blind panic for lust and excitement for being with her. "Oh my. I knew you really liked me!" she gushes as he runs to the bed and leaps onto it, straddling Sam and resting her hands on his chest.

Sams breathing picks up pace as he's trapped in an too similar situation to his most recent memory of the cage. _No, not again, notagainnotagainnotagain_ runs through his mind. He moves his arm and winces as the handcuff bites into the raw bloody skin of his wrist. Becky notices his wrist and smiles saying "Someone is definitely keen. All you had to do was ask Sam", blind to his increasing panicking breaths.

"Nnnnnnnnnggggghhhhhmmmmmm" Sam screams into the gag. It's useless. Becky is too far taken by the idea that Sam is caught up in his lust for him to notice the fear and panic that he's giving off in tidal waves. Sam sees Becky change and morph into Lucifer, who morphs into dad, who morphs into Bobby, who morphs into Dean, he stays that way the longest before finally settling back to being Lucifer who is sitting on top of him._ Can't do this again. Can't go through this here, not here, only in the cage_. He starts to wonder where he is, this reality clashing with memory until the memory wins over.

Becky sighs, looks to the sky and looks down at Sam, who has gone still and seems to be staring at her now, before saying "I have waited for this moment my entire life. Lets make it count". She reaches down and begins unbuttoning Sams shirt, only to jump as she hears a thud and a slam as her apartment door is kicked in. She turns back to Sam who is lying very still and staring at the same point, her hands still in place on the fourth button of his shirt.

Cold metal is pressed against the side of her neck as she hears a familiar voice saying "Get. The. Fuck. Off. Of. My. Brother", the rage barley contained within the words.

"Oh... h-hey Dean" Becky says as she climbs off of Sam and stands on the floor. "I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean..." as the reality of the situation finally hits her.

"Shut up! I don't wanna hear it" Dean says as he removes the gun from her neck and shoves her into the wall. "Oh fuck, Sammy...". Dean moves over the bed and runs his hand through his brothers hair. He sees the handcuffs and turns to Becky, holding his hand out and demanding "Keys!". She nods and runs out of the room to find them. Dean turns back to Sam, seeing that his brother is caught up in another memory _No prizes for guessing what you're remembering when you're in this position_ Dean wearily thinks, pushing back his memories of his own experiences. He knows that he has draw Sam out of the memory, wincing that the way that he's going to have to do it. He moves his hand to Sams wrist, digging his thumb into the broken skin under the cuff. He's rewarded with a wince from Sam as his brothers eyes slowly regain their awareness. Other than that Sam remains perfectly still. "Sam?" Dean asks as he lightly taps the side of Sams face "Hey Sammy you back with me?

"Eeeeaaannnn...?" Sams question is muffled through the gag but Dean knows what he's asking all the same.

"Yeah Sam it's me. I'm here. Just hang tight, I'll get you out of here soon" Dean says as he lifts Sams head and unties the gag, throwing it to the other side of the room, and pulls out the cloth stuffed in Sams mouth and throws that too, it lands at Beckys feet as she re-enters the room with the handcuff keys. She holds them out and Dean grabs them out of her hand as he points to the opposite wall with. Becky moves back to stand against it. "Stay. there" Dean orders her and she's frozen to the spot.

"I... he... is he okay?" She asks, worried that she's crossed a serious line somewhere.

"Is he... Is he okay?" Dean echoes her words with incredulity. "No! He's not okay. What you did to him... He's already scarred for life from being in the pit, had to live through this a hundred times over and then back again. And you've just transported him right back there with what you've done!" He starts to walk over to her, looking like he wants to hit her and he shrinks back as he comes closer.

He's stopped in his tracks by a quiet "Dean?" from the bed. Dean turns back to Sam and Sam shakes his head slightly, knowing what his brother was about to do. "Sh-she didn't know. I-I ... I need... can we go now?" Sam asks, needing to be free from the bed, needing to be out of this room and out of this apartment.

"Yeah sure thing Sam, just let me get these" Dean replies as he brushes his hand against Sams cheek. Sam relaxes slightly at the touch and Dean reaches up and unlocks the cuffs around his brothers wrists, before moving to the bottom of the bed and unlocking the ones around Sams ankles. He's thankful that Sams ankles aren't in the same mess as his wrists.

Sam moves his arms down to his side, feeling the ache in his shoulders as he does. Dean pulls him up off the bed and helps him find his feet as he wavers slightly from being tied down for almost the whole day. He wraps Sams arm around his shoulders, and his own arm around his brothers waist so that he can support him as they start to move toward the door.

Becky stands frozen in place as she watches the brothers. She feels a pang of jealousy at the close bond that they have, they seem to be even closer now than the first time that she met them, in the way that Dean reads Sams voice and seems to be able to convey a thousand words with one simple touch. Her mind is racing, she has no idea what Dean was talking about, other than the fact that Sam has been tied down to a bed before and that she's taken him right back to that memory. As they walk past her she says "I... Sam... I am so sorry. I had no idea..." she breaks off as Dean fixes her with a look

Sam brings his downcast eyes up to look at her briefly before dropping his gaze again and he almost whispers "It's okay. You didn't know."

Dean starts moving again and slowly ushers Sam out of the apartment. Getting Sam down the stairs proves to be a little difficult as Sam starts to shy away from Deans grip, but Dean keeps a firm but reassuring hold on his brother as they leave the apartment block and get to the car. Opening the passenger door Dean helps Sam into the car, shielding his head as he gets into the car. "I'm fine Dean" he says as he looks upto his brother from the seat. Dean gives him a _Yeah sure you are_ look and closes the door. As Dean sits in the drivers seat he looks over at Sam who is staring ahead, looking as though he's trying the keep himself grounded, in the here and now, he's clenching his jaw and it's set in determination. Dean thinks to himself _That's it Sammy, don't let the bastards win_. He turns the key in the ignition and drives Sam away from this latest memory which they would both rather forget.

_& ^ & ^ & ^ & ^ & ^ & ^ & ^ & ^ & ^ & ^ G A P & ^ & ^ & ^ & ^ & ^ & ^ & ^ & ^ & ^ & ^_

The rest of the journey had passed in relative silence, with Dean throwing worried glances at his brother every now and again and asking him "You okay?", with Sam only responding "mmmm..."

Now that they are back in the motel room that Dean had rented when he first got this town, Sam is sitting on the edge of the bed furthest from the door and Dean is sitting on the edge of his own bed facing him. He really wants to fix up Sams wrists, he figures that he'll start with fixing his wrists and then try to fix the rest of Sam, but his brother needs to talk about this. Deans dealt with what happened to him in hell, but he can't even begin to imagine how much worse it was for Sam, and he doesn't want Sam dealing with it on his own. He'll try to use his own experiences to help his brother. He thinks _So that explains why he can't stand the contact, why he freaked out when I touched him_. Sam still won't look at him, he's keeping his head bowed and his eyes trained on the carpet. His body language screams _defeat_ and gives a clear message of _I want to curl up and die_. "Hey Sam..."

Sam cuts him off by sharply stating "I'm fine"

"You're not fine Sam. I know that much" Dean states and is rewarded by Sam looking up to him before he quickly bows his head again. "Let me patch up your wrists at least?" Sam looks down at his wrists as if he's only just noticing the raw skin and blood for the first time, he nods slightly. Dean grabs the first aid kit from the table and sits back down across from Sam "Okay lets see?" he asks and Sam puts his right wrist in Deans offered hand. Dean works quietly and quickly, wincing at the occasional flinch from Sam as he cleans the wounds on his brothers wrists and puts dressings over them before wrapping them with bandages. When he finishes wrapping Sams other wrist and releases it, his brother takes it back, he's holding it close to his chest as though he's been burned. Dean can't help but think that the bandages on Sams wrists crudely compliment his defeated posture. Dean sighs and says "Sam, this is eating away at you. Talk to me"

Sam can't believe what he's hearing, can't believe that Dean wants him to talk about why he's so freaked out because he was tied to a damn bed. He's never told Dean about those memories, about what he's reminded of every time Lucifer appears, every time he sees a metal bed, every time he feels someone step too close behind him a queue. He sighs and looks up at Dean again and tries to sound more confident this time "I said I'm fine Dean. I just had a flashback of being tied up while I was in the cage and ... and I ... it's just rattled me a bit is all"

Dean leans forward so that his elbows rest on his knees as he meets Sams eyes and says "I know". Sam starts a little and Dean says "I know what kind of flashback you must have been having Sam."

Sam thinks _You don't know, you can't possibly know. I never told you... I made sure I never mentioned it_ and then he sees the look in Deans eyes, full of recognition and empathy. He gasps and opens his mouth to say something but the words can't get past that lump in his throat. His posture still screams defeat and shame, while Dean sits confidently in front of him telling him that he knows what happened to him in hell.

"It's nothing to be ashamed of Sam. They did it to me too." Dean pauses at the assault of the memory, and again he shoves it back down thinking that it can't have been anything near as bad as what Sam had to endure. It's not that he didn't want to tell Sam about it, but there was just never the right time to say _Hey Sam, while I was in hell I was raped_, they've never actually talked to each other about the details of their experiences in hell, only telling each other that it was hard and that they don't know how they made it through.

"You...but... it wasn't..." Sam struggles to find the right words to talk to Dean, finally finding the right words he asks "Why didn't you say anything when you came back?"

Dean, for his part, is just glad that he has Sams attention now. "It was never the right time, and we were too busy trying to find out how I came back ... and then we met Cas and we were caught up in all that stuff. I learned to deal with it through all of that though Sammy, and keeping myself busy helped. I didn't try to ignore it...and yeah, it's still there but I'm dealing with it."

There are tears welling in Sams eyes as he looks at Dean, and he's shaking his head in a manner that says _I won't ever be able to let this go. I won't be able to get past it like you did_. Sam bows his head again, unable to look at Dean anymore. His brother has gone through the same thing he has, and here he is, so confident and he's dealt with it and it's just too much... "I'm sorry..." Sam mutters.

"Sorry? Why are you sorry?" Dean asks as he reaches over and lifts Sams chin so that Sam is looking at him again. "Listen to me Sam. What happened to me is a walk in the park compared to what you've gone through. I'm not telling you that I got over it to say that you need to get over it. I don't expect you to get over it quickly. I don't expect you to get over any of your memories from the cage quickly." Sam looks doubtful and Dean quickly adds "To be honest, I'm amazed that you're still standing given what you went through."

"Yeah I guess..." Sam trails off as he moves out of Deans grip.

Dean moves over to sit beside Sam and he says "I'm being serious Sam. I don't think I could come back from that. You're one of the strongest people that I know, and you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. You don't need to feel dirty or worthless. You need to start realizing that it happened to you, but it doesn't define who you are. You've faced it head on and you're still standing."

Sam looks up at Dean and his face screws up as he asks "How did you know that's what I'm feeling?"

"I felt the same things too Sammy. Still do sometimes." Dean sadly smiles and continues "And you're you... You always blame yourself for things, and take everything on your own shoulders. You'd let the shame eat you up if I let you." He moves his hand to rest on Sams back and starts rubbing small circles there, as he says "I'm here Sam, and nothing you can tell me or say to me will ever turn me away from you".

That's the final nail in the coffin for Sam, who can't hold in the tears anymore, can't keep this feeling bottled up. His shoulders start to shake and he leans forward and makes a keening sound before he starts to cry. Dean pulls him up and wraps his brother into a tight but not restricting hug. Sam relaxes into the hug, and Dean moves up the bed so the he sits with his back against the wall. Sam moves with him and all but folds into Deans firm and reassuring hold, so that he's leaning on Deans chest. This same position that was used for them watching TV, or just chilling out without being intimate is now more comforting and familiar to him than it ever has been. "I'm sorry Dean... I..."

Dean tightens his hold slightly to emphasize his words. "Sam I told you, you don't need to apologize. I wish you had told me, but I understand why you didn't. I'm always here Sammy, just you remember that" Dean said as he lightly kisses the top of Sams head and continues rubbing Sams back.

"Thanks Dean" those two words seemed to carry all the emotion that Sam was feeling and he's poured his most genuine thanks into them. "Lets watch some TV?" he asks, needing the distraction. He's told Dean what happened to him, but that's about as far as he could go tonight.

"Don't mention it Sammy" Dean said as he flicked on the TV.

Ten minutes into the show, Dean notices that Sam must have nodded off at some point, as he's now lightly snoring against Deans chest. Dean looks down at his brother and smiles, thinking _you're my little brother, you'll always be my little brother. You pull me back from the brink more than you can know, and I'll always do the same for you_ as he wipes a tear from his eye.

**_END_**

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><p><strong>AN -** Thanks for reading! I really hope that you enjoyed reading this. As usual, please leave me your comments/thoughts whether it's good or bad. I love hearing feedback as it's the only way that I can know what I'm doing well and what I'm not. Thanks!


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